Autistic demand avoidance – when the brain says no

jendot1978
Oct 3
3 min read

In any household with children or teens, “No!” is a commonly used word. Often this is because young people have strong ideas about what they want to do/be/look like etc., and autistic young people can be particularly difficult to persuade otherwise. But for some autistic people, there is another layer to their “refusal”. An autistic trait called Demand Avoidance gets in the way. What appears to be a simple “I don’t want to” can in fact mean “I can’t”. Demands can even come from within a person’s own body such as needing the loo or wanting to go somewhere but feeling unable to go.

The National Autistic Society[https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance] defines demand avoidance in autism as: “persistent and marked resistance to the demands of everyday life”, which may include essential demands such as eating and sleeping as well as expected demands such as going to school or work.

Like many autistic traits, not everyone who is autistic will be demand avoidant, though many do display this behaviour from time to time. It can come to the fore when young people are burned out or overwhelmed. And some autistic people have a profile that is so demand avoidant that it can be labelled as “Pathological Demand Avoidance”, or sometimes “Pervasive Drive for Autonomy” (PDA).

The UK-based PDA Society [https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/] explain further that the profile labelled as PDA is not just about demand avoidance, which is present in many autistic people. It can have a profound effect on people’s lives – both for PDAers and their carers. PDA also includes traits such as using social strategies to avoid demands, alongside often heavy masking. If you believe this profile fits your child please mention this when you contact us[https://www.spectrumautismservices.org/contact]. Our clinicians are sensitive to the differences that may be observed in those who are skilled at social

masking. [https://www.spectrumautismservices.org/assessment-process]

PDA is not currently a formally recognised diagnosis in its own right so it could be counter-productive to give patients a diagnosis of PDA; a condition that is not in the diagnostic manuals. Some clinicians will use wording that suggests PDA, such as “demand avoidant traits” or “demand avoidant profile”, while others prefer to focus on the high drive for control/autonomy that defines this condition.

It can be hard to tell if your child just dislikes something or is actually paralysed by the expectation or demand it places on them. To parents, this can look like a child who asks for a trip to the park but then won’t put their shoes on, a toilet-trained child who has accidents, or a child who appears to enjoy school once there but struggles to attend every day (though there can be other reasons for all these). It can also be a perceived demand, like feeling they need to stick to commitments or measure up to a standard, or it can look like self-sabotage.

Demand avoidance really is a case of “can’t” not “won’t”, however it might look to outsiders. It’s vital to give our demand avoidant young people the right support, which can mean changes to the way things are phrased (declarative language) and simply dropping unrealistic or unnecessary expectations. Most of all, it means allowing them the control to decide for themselves, which can be difficult if your parenting style is quite strict. The PDA Society and some of the advocates mentioned below have further information on this.

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